13. Stop Being Anxiously Attached

In this episode of Fitness With Jade, I’m diving deep into something that used to completely control me, anxious attachment.
If you’ve ever felt like you’re too much in relationships, constantly need reassurance, or can’t switch off the overthinking, this one’s going to hit home.

I’ll break down:

• What anxious attachment really is (and how it quietly sabotages your confidence, training, and relationships)
• The exact steps I took to move from anxious to secure — no therapy buzzwords, just real tools that work
• How attachment wounds show up in fitness, goal setting, and self-sabotage
• My no-BS method for detaching, self-soothing, and becoming the woman who doesn’t chase — she attracts

You’ll learn how to regulate your emotions, build inner confidence, and finally stop letting fear and anxiety run your life.

It’s time to stop being “that girl who overthinks everything” and become that girl who knows her worth.

✨ Mentioned in this episode:

• The Performance Project (coaching by Matt)
• Body Science Supplements — use code BSCXJADE20 for 20% off

🎧 Subscribe to Fitness With Jade for weekly episodes on fitness, mindset, and becoming the strongest, most feminine version of yourself.

Transcript

 You are listening to the Fitness with Jade podcast, where I discuss all things wellness, fitness, and lifestyle, helping you to become that girl the version of yourself you've always wanted to be. Now, I know how difficult firsthand it can be to have anxious attachment because I, I guess, used to have it.

I definitely feel like I've squashed. Quashed squashed a lot of these traits and it is something that makes you quite miserable and out. It feels like you're out of control of your own reactions and your own self, like it makes you turn into this different person. And I feel like in terms of a couple of relationships, not all, just a couple, I feel like my life would've been a lot different if I had actually developed a secure attachment style.

Prior to entering into them, but you know, you live and you learn. And if I hadn't gone to these relationships. Well, A, I don't think it would've really ever read its head, but also, B, I wouldn't know how to deal with it and I wouldn't have known that it would be a possibility for me to have this type of attachment style as well.

And I've realized that the work I've done to heal my attachment style has been a huge. Win for me because it's improved my relationships, it's improved how I show up in the world, and it improves how I feel more in touch with myself and know myself better. When you're in this anxious attachment mindset, you lose yourself a lot.

So I'd like to dive into this subject today 'cause I know. It can consume your life. It can literally hinder so many facets. And if you are trying to navigate this, I'm gonna tell you exactly the steps that I took that helped me become more securely attached. So I guess first, let's go over what I guess attachment styles are, and specifically what anxious attachment is.

Before we dive right in, I'm gonna give you a quick shout out to my sponsor, which is the performance project. I'm a sponsored athlete who has been coached by Matt, and he is currently getting me prepared for my upcoming marathons, oxes Deckers, and 70 point threes. If you're interested in being coached by Matt, I have left his Instagram in the description box below, and please let him know that I have sent him to you.

I can't recommend the performance project enough. I'm really happy with the feedback and the programming I've been getting. It's been a game changer. Also need proper fueling both pre and post race and body signs. Supplements are a huge, huge advantage for me. I usually am extremely picky with my protein powders and bars, but I love their high protein vanilla blend, and.

Style bars and recently I've become addicted to their Mallow bars. They're so yummy. So shop@bodyscience.com au and use the discount code BSCX Jade 20 for 20% off products. And I have left a link and a code in the description box below. So first, before we deep dive into what anxious attachment is, I'll briefly go over what the attachment theory is and the four different styles that they are.

So they're a secure. Anxious, avoidant and disorganized. So I'll go over the other three and then we'll get into anxious attachment. So first and foremost, you wanna be securely attached. I ideally, uh, you want to be a securely attached person and this is someone who has a healthy and balanced relationship 'cause.

Comfortable with both being close and also having the independence and they feel that they can openly express their needs and feelings and have a lot of trust in others. So very, very basic breakdown, but securely attached is what you wanna be. The other three attachment styles are insecure attachment styles, so not what you want to be, and they are disorganized attachment.

Also known as fearful avoidant avoidant attachment. And then the one we are gonna be discussing today, which is anxious attachment. So disorganized attachment is where people have, they seek closeness, but then pull away resulting in these mixed and confusing behaviors in relationships. Then you have pure avoidant attachment.

So they prefer to handle things completely independently and may avoid discussing deep feelings or show any emotional intimacy whatsoever. And then we have the one we're talking about today, which is anxiously attached. So they worry about their relationships. They have a fear of abandonment. They're highly sensitive to their partner's actions, and they often seek reassurance and have difficulty feeling comfortable being alone.

And the funny thing is, a lot of the time anxiously attach people and avoidantly attach people, whether it's the disorganized, fearful, avoidant, or just a pure avoidant. Usually date each other. So it makes things really, really complicated and it pulls out the worst traits in each of these people because they're literally triggering each other 'cause they're the complete opposite.

If you wanna know more about these other attachment styles, I'm happy to have a talk about them. But I'm just gonna be going over anxious attachment because that is something that I have experienced. So as I said, anxious attachment is where you constantly fear abandonment or rejection, and it really makes you hyper aware of other people's moods and reactions.

And I guess life examples of this would be constantly checking in with your partner, being like, are you okay? Are we okay? Uh, what's going on? Like. Things feel off, uh, you know, those kind of questions. Uh, overthinking text or social interactions. So being like, oh my God, he hasn't messaged me back. Like, it must be X, Y, and Z.

Or, oh, that was so embarrassing, like, I shouldn't have said that. And then like, completely. Pulling it apart and dissecting it. And even though there's not really, it's not really that deep, you know? And then also fear of missing out or fear of being left behind. And uh, other examples would be comparing yourself to everyone else, uh, over committing to things to prove yourself, to prove that you're amazing.

And then fear of failing, which is really tied in with that all or nothing behavior that we've talked about last episode. So anxious can shop in your professional. Skilled based training settings through behaviors like constant need for reassurance, even from your peers or supervisors. Fear of negative feedback, difficulty working independently, and then a tendency to over conform to the group, then gain approval.

So one of the key characteristics of anxiously attached people is a fear of being left or rejected by loved ones. So a fear of abandonment. There's also, like I said, the need for reassurance. So constant craving for validation, reassurance, the relationship's, stable, reassurance. You're gonna keep your job, reassurance that your training's going well, you know, all these different things.

And then there's also sensitivity to rejection. So if there's any, uh, if someone's even. Constructively criticizing you. You take it as a full criticism or a rejection, clingy or needy behavior. So you have a tendency to become excessively dependent on a partner seeking constant closeness. And then also low self-esteem, so you have a feeling of unworthiness, uh, leading to a strong alliance on others.

Like I said, I have been anxiously attached before. I have only found it creep up in two relationships. All the rest of them. It was never a problem. I never noticed it, and I would actually quite probably say having more of either a secure or the disorganized. Normally in my normal day to day, but anxiously the anxious attachment has peeped out its ugly little head from time to time in various settings.

I've never actually had it happen though in my career or business health or training or like personal life other than in relationships. And again, not every relationship, it's just been two very specific ones. What are some signs that you have anxious attachment? So if you're listening to this being like, I don't know, like, I don't know, because like obviously some people have days and they're going to ask their partner like, are you okay?

Like, is everything okay? Like it does happen just as long as it's not happening. Like. All the time, you know? So I guess, what are the signs that you have? Anxious attachment. You may have anxious attachment if you're always checking your phone to see if someone's replied. That's a big one. So like even if you're on, just nearly on the dating scene or you are with your current partner, you just keep checking that phone like it's a tick.

Put it down. Jessica put it down. Okay. Another sign is that you want to control what the other person does to make yourself feel more secure. You feel the urge to reach out and follow up when you don't hear from them. So I guess that would be a big one for people who are dating. You feel the need to be like, why haven't you texted me back?

Like, um, I'd you like two days ago and you haven't text me back. Like, what the fuck? No. You just kinda gotta leave it. You know, if you, if you, if you're doing things like that, it could be a sign that you're anxiously attached. You're not comfortable being alone, so you don't like being by yourself. You have to always have people around you.

Another one is you have trouble setting boundaries. Just boundaries aren't for you. You try put the, even if you try to do it, it just doesn't really work out for you. You put other people on a pedestal, so you literally think they're God's gift. You need verbal validation from people, whether it be your look.

What you've done, how smart you are. Anything, you just need this verbal validation. Uh, you feel addicted to needing closeness with someone you don't trust easily and constantly think people want to hurt you. You self-sabotage by acting and reacting overly emotionally. You feel obsessive or fixated on the person and your relationship.

So if you've noticed like, you know, ticking a lot of these boxes, you're probably anxiously attached. What are the damages though that it causes? 'cause you mind me thinking, oh, I don't care. Like I don't care if he doesn't text me back and then I go crazy over it. Like why does that matter? It's a problem.

'cause it doesn't just affect the other person. It affects yourself in all facets of your life. So I guess like what are the damages? That it causes, because you know, some people might be thinking, I don't think that's bad. You know, emotional damage is the first one, obviously. So you're literally beating yourself up in your own head.

You're constantly replaying conversations, analyzing what you said, how they might have taken it, what they might have been thinking, how they think about it. Like literally like every scenario under the sun, you are replaying it in your head like over and over and over again. You'll feel sick with anxiety.

When you don't get instant reassurance or feedback, you'll literally panic. You'll have pit in your stomach and be like, what is going on? You'll lose confidence in your own judgment and you'll literally second guess everything. Everything. And you're never fully at peace because you're waiting for the next thing to go wrong.

So you just this anxious mess. How it can affect your partner in your relationship. So you can text your partner multiple times when they don't reply and they can get annoyed and you can feel angry or embarrassed afterwards. It can, you can text the person you are dating multiple times in a room and be like, look like a weirdo.

Like, and then you're obviously gonna feel terrible about it too, and you test people's loyalty. So this is why it's damaging. 'cause it then pushes them away instead of building trust because you think if they cared they'd do this. If they don't do it, they don't care. You apologize too much or overexplain yourself just to keep the peak.

And you crave closeness, but then you feel smothered or suspicious when you actually get it, you're like, Hmm, I don't know. You are like, something's still gonna be wrong, and you're still playing all these scenarios in your head, which is causing you that emotional damage as well as your relationship damage.

Then how it can affect things in training, so. For instance, you would just quit a training block because one session didn't go perfectly. So you'd just be like, well, what's the point? You obsessively track your workouts or food to control your anxiety, so then it can come up in forms of eating disorders.

It can come up in forms of binge eating. It can come in forms of over exercising and also in forms of just not moving your body whatsoever. Another damage that it can cause is that you're so caught up in your anxious thoughts and your anxious reactions that you end up missing, things that you enjoy or missing, things that are beneficial for you.

For instance, you could be stressing about your relationship with the person you're dating, and it makes you miss. Work or it makes you so emotional that you miss that training session and it just affects all these different things that you wouldn't even think that it affects other life damage.

Examples would be that you say no to opportunities because you're scared that partner might not want you to do it, or they might judge you for doing it, or your employer might judge you for doing it. Like you might not do a race or take up a job or a collaboration or a social event 'cause you're afraid that you're gonna be judged.

You procrastinate on things that can move your life forward, and it's not because you're lazy, it's because you're afraid of not doing them right, or that will trigger this other person that you are not wanting to trigger. Or that you'll miss out in communication with this other person. Like if you're literally one of those people that just sit and wait for texts and you're like, I literally can't do anything else, and you miss out on something important because of it, like no.

And you stay in situations that just don't serve you because the unknown feels too risky and you're in constant survival mode. So whether you're busy, productive, but you're just not truly filled 'cause you've got this anxious little voice in the back of your head that's whispering all these little nasties.

So how do you fix this? Because attachment styles are not fixed in terms of like, you can change your attachment style. It's not something that if anxiously attached is your attachment style, you're stuck with it for the rest of your life. Like you can change it and you can become securely attached. And so I guess the, obviously, I know I always say this, it's notice.

When you're feeling anxious and notice the triggers. Yeah, and then identify what your behaviors are. 'cause obviously not everyone's gonna have all of the same behaviors. Obviously not everyone's going to have the same triggers. So make sure you notice these two things. Then practice tools such as self-soothing.

This is a big one, so deep breathing, your box, breathing. There's all these different types of breath work that you can do. Find the one that works for you. Uh, journaling, movement. Anything that brings calm before you react, anxiously and like a weirdo. Okay? Boundaries. Know your limits in your relationships, your work, your training, everything, family, everything.

Know your boundaries and make sure that once you know them, you communicate them and express them clearly as well as expressing your needs instead of just assuming the other person knows. 'cause they don't, they're not mind readers. They're not. Then shift your focus. So instead of chasing reassurance, focus on your own goals, progress, independence, projects or whatever, and small, consistent steps in your life, whether it be in your training, whether it be in your family, like home life, anything will help you feel control in your life.

Besides trying to control another person, if that makes sense. And once you've got these kind of things underway, that's when you can start these eight steps to shift from being anxiously attached into a secure attachment. So number one is regulate your emotions. And detach learning, detachment literally changes everything before you learn to deach.

You are literally like just this. Thing being tossed around in a washing machine. Yeah. And you've got no spine and you're just being thrown about like Gumby really. And there's just no anchor that keeps you grounded. You're just this gumby in a washing machine. We want you to detach, grow a spine and.

Regulate your emotions and learning how to self-regulate through those self-soothing tools. I've mentioned above are game changers. Okay? So make sure that is what you do. Then once you've done step one, you're detached. You don't have any attachment whatsoever. You're in control of your emotions. And also, if you're really struggling with this, get help.

Like go to a therapist, go to attachment. Based therapist and they'll be able to help you out. You don't have to do it alone. So if you get a professional, if you really are struggling, professional will help you out. They'll be able to keep you on track and then become your own self validation. So instead of looking at it from others, start finding it in yourself.

Stop depending on other people. To tell you that you're good enough. And another way to do this is through your mindfulness, your affirmations, and then showing up for yourself, and that will truly level up your life and it'll elevate your perception of yourself. So, like I said, it's these micro goals in your personal goals, your career, your fitness, your life.

You need to dedicate yourself to these goals because if you are not working towards something again. You're just this Gumby in a washing machine. We don't want that. Then cultivate independence. Start getting comfortable being alone. It's not other people's jobs to entertain you or fill in your time. And this is something that I struggled with.

Like I used to sometimes be like, oh, I can't watch this TV show 'cause I'm watching it alone. It's like, no, watch it yourself. Like you're fine. Just sit on the couch, watch the bloody TV show. It's not a big thing. Pick a hobby. Read a book, focus on a goal, and the more that you learn to be with yourself, the happier you're going to be and the more secure you're gonna be, and the more easier it is to detach.

And you also start to realize, and this is how your anxiety lessens, it's okay if this person leaves because I'm actually okay by myself. I can be happy by myself. Like you being by yourself becomes your baseline. And if another person improves that baseline, then that's what you want. If they don't. You don't want.

Then set boundaries. So before I ask you to, you know, figure out what your boundaries are, set them okay. And then watch how people treat you and how they change their behavior around you when you set them. And if you're struggling to choose what your boundaries are, choose boundaries that put yourself and your goals first.

So for example, if your boyfriend, or partner or husband or whatever wants to hang out with you, but you made a promise to yourself that you're going to go to the gym and the only time that you could go to the gym. Is it a specific time slot when they're asking you to hang out, then you've gotta say no to hanging out.

You, you can't, you've gotta go to the gym and if they really wanna do, they'd just come and work out with you. You know? That's another thing. Maybe one of your boundaries is that you have mother-daughter time. Yeah. And someone asks you out on a date, do your single mom to ask you on a date and. It's during the time where you're meant to be having this mother-daughter time, you say, no, sorry, I gotta go and take Charlotte to the restaurant.

I'm gonna have dinner and chill together as mother-daughter. I can't chill out and have dinner with you. Those kind of things. You set boundaries on your time and your energy, and it allows you the opportunity to establish some self-respect. Next is don't over pursue someone. Okay. And anxiously attached.

People do this a lot. Luckily I found that, like I said, it's only been two relationships for me, but I do know those people that date with anxious attachment. I feel like sometimes they can be a bit too much. And I know that people like, oh, you can't say something's too much. They can be a bit too much.

'cause you gotta think of yourself as this. You're a female. Yeah. This rare, elegant prize that the manka has to win over, they have to win you over. Okay? You are not available to everyone. You are, let's say, rare, expensive. They can't afford you, okay? You don't chase people. They want to chase you. So why would you chase a man?

You are not pursuing them. They need to pursue you. And when you're actually attached, it's kind of feels like a lot of time you are doing the pursuing and that isn't going to work in your favor. So you've got all these goals set that I've said that these things you are working towards now focus on who you want to be as well.

So not just goals, but who you want to be as a person. So dream up a. Type of person you wanna be like an avatar. And what is what? What is she about? Like what does she like to do? What are her daily habits? What is her diet? What is her training regime? Who is this woman? And exact outline exactly how. You are gonna become her.

So maybe a vision board. You can do it on Pinterest. You can write it in your notes. Like have a think like what are your habits? What is your, what's the food that you're eating? What's your aesthetic like? Do you have a hair color that you want? Like create this avatar, this person that you want to be, become the person you wanna be, and then you'll feel more secure in yourself.

'cause when you're your own dream woman. Why would you need someone else to validate that? Like you literally become this person that you idolize. So reward, effort, not attention. And this obviously goes back to the age of old saying actions speak louder than words. So there's a difference between effort and attention.

If they're spending time, energy, and money on you, then generally a good sign. Yeah. But if they're just like sending you messages and not actually putting in. Anything in terms of like, they're just texting or like, they're those people that like, I only wanna catch up with you at like 1:00 AM instead of actually taking you on a date.

Um, talking to you, being emotionally available for you, you know, all these things. If they're just, you know, being emotionally unavailable, really basic chit chat, like just too flirty, that kind of thing. No. Remove your energy. And like another example is if he hasn't talked to you for like a week and then comments on one of your Instagram pictures or something like that, and you're like, oh my God.

Like he, he showed me attention. It's like, no, no. Like what effort did he do to do that? Like none. He just slipped his thumb. Like if he actually wanted to talk to you, he would've talked to you for that week. He was actually invested in you. He would be making it happen. Like if he wanted to, he would that, that's the whole thing as well.

Like if he wanted to, he would. You wouldn't just be like, Hmm, he's a fire emoji. No. And trust people until they give you a reason not to. If you're actually attached, you will not trust people very well. Like you do not think that people are trustworthy, but until they actually show you that they're not.

Start trusting them because if you come into a relationship, a friendship, whatever, and you don't trust that person, that's immediately gonna give off bad advice and push them away. And then they'll probably end up doing something to you like a self-fulfilling prophecy that makes you be like, oh, I knew this was right and you're gonna trust this person, when really they're just feeding off your like bad juju.

So make sure you trust people until they give you a reason not to. I guess the last little thing I wanna talk about today is a little listener challenge. So if you can identify one anxious attachment pattern about yourself or in yourself, and it doesn't mean you actually have anxious attachment, like just maybe the just one weird little thing or one thing that you do that you've noticed.

Is a part of being anxiously attached. And then use one tool this week to interrupt it, whether it be like the self-soothing, the journaling movement, one of those things. And then observe the result and celebrate the progress. And another thing you can do is journal it privately, or if you want, share your wins.

So make sure you've jumped in and follow me on Instagram at Jade Palmer. Or you can even comment below in the podcast here. I would love to know your wins. So it'd be good to see what is working for who and what problems each person has. That is all for today. If you've liked what you've heard, make sure you give us a five star review.

I totally appreciate it. And make sure you're following me on my socials, specifically Instagram at Jade Palmer. And if you wanna work with me, please uh, send me a DM or email me at jade@fitnesswithjade.com. 'cause I do a lot of UGC work on the side. So if you wanna work with me, gimme an email and let's tee something up.

Bye.