Heal The Need To Prove Yourself

Do you constantly feel like you have to prove your worth through achievements? In this episode of Fitness With Jade, we dive deep into the mindset shifts needed to break free from the validation trap. We explore why so many of us seek approval through accomplishments, the key difference between proving and embodying confidence, and how to shift your training from a place of self-love instead of fear. Plus, we discuss how to release the pressure to be "perfect" and embrace fitness as a tool for empowerment—not self-judgment.

Tune in to learn:
- Why we chase validation through success
- How to build real, unshakable confidence
- Ways to train from self-love instead of fear
- How to stop pressuring yourself to be "perfect"

If you’re ready to step into your power and train with confidence, this episode is for you!

Athletes mentioned: @tommyrunpt @alexander.roncevic @gentle_ash 

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Fitness and Identity
• 4:12 Keeping Promises to Yourself
• 15:13 Breaking Free from Sunken Cost Fallacy
• 29:15 Loving Your Physical Self
• 39:30 Embracing Discomfort for Growth
• 52:30 Reducing Anxiety Through Movement
• 1:11:40 Final Thoughts and Call to Action

Transcript

 Welcome back to Fitness with Jade. I hope you are all well. Today we're gonna be diving into how to heal to prove yourself. I feel this is a hot topic because people are usually extremely guilty of having to try and prove their worth or intentions to other people, especially people that do not see their value.

Stop trying to convince him. Stop trying to convince Shelly who's commented on your Instagram photo that you're fat, so you are the prize, and you find validation and love within yourself, not from Shelly. Now we are growing and learning and doing personal development altogether. So this advice can be implemented in all facets of your life.

But this is fitness with Jade. So I'm gonna tell you how this is important in the fitness and wellness space. As you know, I believe in order to become that girl, you know, the queen of the one, you need to have a solid base, a solid foundation. And I believe that fitness is a part of that. Whether it's chasing a personal record or having a weight loss goal, you are constantly seeking validation through your achievements and is extremely easy to fall trap into feeling that you need to earn your worth instead of just simply knowing your worth.

And like most of you that are listening, I've been there, especially when faced with criticism from those that I deem or deemed to be close to me. If you haven't learned to love and respect yourself, it is really hard to shake off contempt and slander from people that you thought had your back and people that you thought cared and loved you.

It is easy to compare yourself to others on social media, and it is easy to see external validation for your accomplishments, but I'm here to tell you. That we can stop that and create a confident and unbothered self. You are not too much. You are a goddess. Remember, you're thriving. Absolutely thriving.

So here is a quick roadmap of what I'm gonna cover today and how it's gonna help you heal the need to prove yourself. Firstly, we will go over why we seek validation through achievements and some little tricks and tips to stop it, which is super interesting 'cause I feel social media has really exemplified this phenomenon.

Secondly, I'll talk about the difference between proving and embodying confidence because they're my friends is a huge difference between the two. And thirdly, we'll go through how to train from a place of self-love instead of fear. And then lastly, we'll be talking about releasing the pressure to be perfect all the time while still remaining feminine and kicking goals in the fitness space.

So the psychology behind validation, we need to know that we are the prize. So from a young age, I really believe that success is hammered into us that success equals worth, whether it's school, in sports or career, we usually get praised for what we achieve, and this will really stick with a lot of people.

I also believe there are varying levels of achievement, and some come with more judgment and some come with more accolades. For one person, their dream might be to become a manager at a supermarket chain. And that's their ideal goal. 'cause they don't believe in corporate life. They want flexible working arrangements and you know, their career just isn't that important to them.

Whereas some people would not see this as success and would judge, and this could then make this person feel invalidated if they listened to these people's opinions. So this trap, I feel, is also found often in the fitness world. Usually fitness is portrayed as a personal journey of health, strength, self-improvement.

But for many people, it can unconsciously become a way to seek external validation. So instead of training for your intrinsic fulfillment, these people start chasing numbers approval or aesthetic standards to feel that they're enough. We all know that person who just constantly takes their mirror selfies in a thong bikini, and that is literally the only reason that they are posting on Instagram.

This can be a subtle but powerful trap because it keeps people stuck in this cycle of seeking worth outside of themselves. It does feel amazing to hit new milestones, but if we only rely on them to feel good about ourselves, we are literally just giving our power away. We're just being like, oh, take it.

Take it, take it, take it, take it. And we do not want that. When I transitioned from F 45 and BFT to OX training, I slowly got into running and I was using Strava more than ever. Like I using a lock and I love the app, don't get me wrong, but when I first started running, I didn't really get. Mini kudos. And I was like, oh, the shame.

And then I also felt like my run splits were slow compared to everyone else on Strava. So I was seeking this external validation and it just wasn't good. It was making me feel shitty. And it's not a, it's no vibe. You don't want that. So you need to make sure that you are detached and you are doing it for a different reason.

Now, you might be asking, what reason is that Jade? Well, let's go through it. At its core fitness should be about feeling strong, capable, and energized. If validation is the primary driver, the focus shifts from how do I feel to, how do I look, or what do others think? This external motivation, which is what we do not want, is more of a metrics over mindset.

So instead of enjoying training people, then become obsessed with the numbers, whether it's weights on the scale, um, lifting. Bigger and heavier weights, step counts, calories burnt, that kind of thing. And then there's also social media reinforcement and just, you know, the social reinforcement in general.

So posting workouts or progress photos for likes and comments to create this feedback loop where validation just continues to seep in. And. This kind of reinforcement is really a breeding ground for narcissists or people with narcissistic tendencies, and it can really impact some people's images of themselves.

And you gotta remember, in terms of the social media side, the algorithm favors the top one to 2% that are extremely beautiful, have the most amazing bodies, et cetera, et cetera. Plus on top of that, most influencers and people that are active on social media, specifically females, but men are also just as guilty as this with like PDs and that kind of thing.

However, a lot of influencers will be using some form of manipulation on their look or their photos, whether it be just simply lighting, makeup, and then it could be Botox filler plastic surgery. And then as far as Photoshop, if you feel yourself falling into this mindset. And I know some of you are, I know some of you are.

Here are a few things that help me detach from external validation during training, because I'm actively posting online, like online is now becoming a business for me and, and a form of self-promotion in terms of, uh, more of an athletic space. So this is what helped me, and it's gonna help you. The first point is to audit your why.

Literally, it is just asking yourself, would I still be doing this if no one knew about it? If the answer is no. Explore. Why are you training? 'cause you love it or 'cause you think you should. I know for a fact that I'd be going out and doing that run for an hour and 50 minutes because for some reason that is the time that my coach tells me to do my long runs for on a Sunday.

And I dunno why it isn't rounded up and I should ask him that. But I know that I'll be doing that hour and 50 minute long run. Regardless of whether I was posting about it on Instagram or filming myself while doing it. And this is because I truly enjoy the training and it brings so many positives into my life.

And the reason behind my filming rather than validation is to create a community with you guys and to also grow my online business, not for validation from others. I don't care what you guys think. If I did, I probably wouldn't be filming myself too, to be quite honest. 'cause sometimes I do things, I'm like, uh, could be a bit cringe, but you know, whatever.

I'll just do it anyway. Who cares? The second way to detach and stop wanting external validation is to limit your social media exposure. Now, I'm not saying get off social media. It's bad. It's the devil. Just unfollow accounts that trigger comparisons in you and start following people who inspire you for the right reasons.

So make sure you curate your feed that fuels your goals rather than makes you feel behind or unworthy. Like your friends, the top five accounts that you follow are a reflection of the life that you want to live. So follow people who are doing what you want to achieve and showing you how to do so in a healthy and productive way.

The third way to detach is to reframe your wins. So instead of focusing on those external metrics, celebrate your internal wins. Did you feel strong today? Did you push yourself in a way that felt good? Those are just as valuable. Obviously, from an athletic and sports focus perspective. Metrics can and do matter.

However, if you're only training for the metrics, you need to stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Once you've done that, you need to also practice self validation. This is the fourth point. So each time we finish a workout, take a moment, have a breather. Remember, 'cause we're feminine. We take our time. We are just in the moment.

Just take some time and think about what you've accomplished. No likes, no kudos. Just recognize your effort, saying to yourself, you know, I'm literally amazing. I came out, I did this and I did this for myself. The fifth and final point is to set process based goals. And I feel that when you have a coach or a personal trainer on your side, this is much easier to do 'cause they are the people that are focusing on the metrics and you are just focusing on showing up and getting that training done, which is what we want.

I. To get it done. So shift your mindset from, I want to hit this time or this weight to, I want to consistently train for four days a week and feel good doing it. Something like that. You know, obviously not that exact thing, but something like that. You wanna show up for your four days a week and your focus is gonna be getting those four days in rather than the results that the four days will give you Goals based on habits will help you stay motivated for the long haul and will heal your need for external validation.

So ladies, we don't wanna be externally validated because we already know. We already know that we're amazing. Okay. To feel like you're already amazing, we need to focus on the difference between proving mindset, a proving mindset, and embodying confidence. So a person that's stuck in this validation trap often trains to try and prove something, whether it's proving discipline, toughness, desirability, whatever it is, they're trying to prove something.

And this is something that we do not want ladies. No, this is where we need to swap the proving mindset to embodying confidence and true confidence in fitness comes from embodiment where movement is the expression of self and self-care, rather than a way to earn approval. This embodiment can be found in a variety of ways, and I actually do go through this in a lot more depth in my second episode, the last episode, which is use fitness to create your dream identity.

So go and check that out if you haven't listened to that already. After this one, of course, but let's go over definition. So proving is essentially seeking approval, chasing perfection, and external validation. Embodying is inner confidence, detachment, self-trust, and personal fulfillment. Real confidence isn't loud, it's not someone screaming in your face like, I'm the best athlete who ever lived and no one can beat me.

Is that knowing, knowing ladies, that you are already capable. You know this. These mantras can be used in all facets of life through breakups, job applications, or opportunities, big life decision, yada, yada, yada. You can use it everywhere. So proving is chasing approval, and girls repeat after me. We do not chase.

We do not chase. And again, I know all of you anxious girlies out there have done this. I know. I, I've been guilty of it in the past, and this is not happening ever again. For instance, when someone breaks up with you and you love them and you're begging them to come back, instead of just being detached, ugh.

Why? Why? Why are you doing that? Stop it. Stop. Stop. Stop. Or when you smash yourself with two gym sessions a day, six days a week, just to prove your hardcore, and then you end up making yourself sick, burnt out, and then you stop training and get fat and lazy and you look like a pudding. We don't want that.

No, you need to train 'cause you love it. Not to chase validation. You need to detach. We do not chase the moment. Someone praises your dedication. You feel high. I get it. I know. As soon as you get validated by someone else, you get the high. We've all been there. But then when no one claps, when no one says, I've got you, when no one's in your corner, do you still feel worthy.

That's what we want you to feel worthy without others. So what is the difference between someone who needs to prove something versus someone who wants to embody? And I'll give you an example. So someone who trains for a marathon to prove their worth will likely struggle post-race. They will get this depressor feeling, they'll feel lost without the external goal, and they'll probably be quite angry or sad if they don't get the finish time that they wanted.

But then in contrast. But someone who trains because they love running, will continue to run and feel good about it, even without a medal, even without, you know, pr just because they enjoy training for it. I have a few examples of athletes who embody this quiet confidence, and I've also left their Instagram handles in the show notes if you wanna check them out, so make sure you do that.

But we've got Tommy Lewis, his Instagram handles, Tommy Run pt. He's an extremely strong runner, an ultra athlete who trained consistently without the need for external height. You can just see from his footage and he's branding, he's very grounded and humble, yet his achievements are certainly the opposite.

Like he's nuts like these. Paces what he's done. Crazy amazing and he also does a lot of amazing self-development. Talking to camera runs that he films and posts on Instagram, so I totally recommend, highly recommend checking him out. And then we've got Alexander Kovich, who is an Austrian and he is in the OX and hybrid space.

He's part of the Elite 15. And unlike some of the top competitors in ox, I feel like there's so many arrogant people in that race. He doesn't have this air of arrogance or outward need to tell everyone that he's good. He just is. So rather than boasting about what he's doing, he focuses on training, preparation, and self-improvement.

And he's very quiet, you know, not loud in your face, and arrogant. We don't want that. And then lastly, we have Ashley Gentle. She's a professional triathlete and she just lets her results speak for themselves. She talks about truly believing that you have a shot. You need to believe in yourself and believe in your body's abilities.

And that's what we are all about. She's extremely positive and an Aussie, so that's another win. But yeah, I definitely suggest checking them out 'cause they are the type of people that are embodying this quiet confidence and that is what we want. So like these athletes. This is how a shift from proving yourself to embodying confidence.

We need to detach from outcomes. Like I've said before, focus on effort and consistency over result. Instead of thinking, I have to hit this, I've gotta prove I'm strong, you shift it to, I love the process of getting stronger. Detach, detach, detach in everything. If something is not for you, it is not for you, then you need to check your intentions.

So before a workout or event, ask yourself, am I doing this? 'cause I love it. Or because I wanna be seen as successful. You know your values. Know yourself and know your boundaries to achieve these intentions. Then reframe failure. So if a race didn't go as planned, or you didn't hit your goal, recognize that your worth isn't tied into performance.

What did you learn? How did you grow? Rejection is redirection. There is no such thing as failure. It is just a learning opportunity. And by God, I feel like I've had a ton of those, but you need to forgive yourself, learn and move forward. And finally, you need to look at the bigger picture. A single moment doesn't define you.

Did you hear that? A single moment does not define you. Confidence comes from showing up from the discipline of training when no one is watching, and from knowing deep down that you are enough. No matter the result, the past no longer exists, the future hasn't happened, be in the now. Another way to not be seeking approval from others is to train from a place of self-love instead of fear.

So fear-based training is driven by, I'm not enough. Love-based training is I deserve to feel strong and empowered to know if you're doing this, you need to ask yourself these questions. Am I training to punish myself or to celebrate my body and what it can do? Am I chasing an outcome or am I present in the process?

Am I focusing on ticking these four days a week? Is there a balance? What am I doing? Because if you're stuck in this fear mindset, you'll always feel like you need to be more. You'll finish a hard session and think, oh, I could've done better. You'll achieve a goal and immediately move to the next goal coast because to you it wasn't actually that impressive.

I'm not actually that amazing. You feel guilty for resting? Guilty for eating guilty for not pushing harder. And we girl, do not feel guilty. We stand by our choices and have gratitude for what we have, what we have achieved, and what we are looking forward to. Self-love training is completely different.

Ball game setting goals, not because you need to be worthy, 'cause you love seeing what you're capable of. That's the type of training that makes you feel alive, not because you have to do it. You need to feel good. Celebrating progress without attaching your entire self worth to it is a must. And one reason I enjoy endurance training so much, and I'm sorry to all of you strong women out there, but I find weight's extremely boring.

But I do know why it's important, and I do do it, don't get me wrong, but the reason I enjoy endurance training so much is because of the way it makes me feel when I run, ride or swim, when I'm doing my High Rocks training. I feel so good afterwards. And I get this delayed gratification, and I know it sounds silly, but even in the middle of a session when I just want to die, I can literally feel my resilience and determination growing in that moment.

And it makes me feel so much happier. And I also notice my fitness growing during those moments too, and that also makes me feel happy. For instance, like if I start doing a certain speed when I'm running or I'm running a further distance, I notice now that my heart rate drops lower than it used to, uh, when I'm running faster, essentially, which is great, and it makes those training moments worthwhile and it allows me to have this love based focus.

Now fear doesn't motivate you. So fear does motivate you, but it doesn't motivate you enough. 'cause if you don't value yourself outside of what you do, you're gonna struggle. And this is because we respect our bodies. Ladies. We love ourselves. Our body is a temple. If you need to rest, you rest and you, you rest well.

If you go get their massage, you go have that bubble bath, you rest. And this is because we are unattached. We are unattached to the outcome. And I know, I know it's easier said than done. The practice makes perfect. Obviously. It doesn't mean stop setting goals. It means stop tying your identity to them.

Stop tying your identity to that job. Stop tying your identity to Jason. Stop tying it to your hierarchy time. You're not just a runner 'cause you hit a certain time. You're a runner 'cause you run. You're still you, regardless of the outcome. And that is enough. You are enough. So train for love, train 'cause you deserve to feel strong.

'cause movement is a gift, not a punishment. Imagine if you are a vegetable, you don't want that. Use your body while you can set boundaries, honor them and show yourself the respect you'd expect from anyone else. 'cause at the end of the day, the way you train is just a reflection on the way you treat yourself.

And we want to grow. We wanna have aura, and we want to exude confidence and femininity. You deserve better than training from fear. Here are ways to shift self-love and training. So like I've said, set goals based on how you want to feel, not just external results. So for instance, maybe you wanna feel powerful, maybe you wanna feel confident, maybe you wanna feel unstoppable, like Sia.

If you want that, that is your aim. That is what you wanna focus on. You might wanna feel energized and free when you run. That's your focus. You need to focus on how the training makes you feel, and then the numbers are just a bonus, not the point. And the best part of all this, the best part is that you get immediate feedback.

You immediately feel happy, and you don't have to wait weeks or months to hit a certain number because you already feel those feelings. So you can still celebrate your small wins. Just don't make them a part of your identity. So you prd your lift. Amazing. The number doesn't define you though, so focus on again, how it made you feel.

You felt strong, you felt powerful. Focus on those feelings. When you celebrate progress without attaching your worth to it, training will become fun again. I promise. I promise you it will, and you'll stop chasing approval and start appreciating every step of the journey. Okay, we'll come up to the final, the final point, and I feel like it's.

It's one of the juicier ones. Um, obviously they're all amazing. They're all important and you need to do all of them to heal the need to prove yourself. But this is releasing the pressure to be perfect and let's be real. Perfectionism isn't about being the best. It's literally just being scared of not being enough.

And that's the wild thing about it, because on the surface, perfectionism looks ambitious, looks like discipline. It looks like next level commitment to your goals. But underneath it's basically fear. Smelly. Smelly fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection. If you're showing up as you are and thinking it's not good enough, you are good enough.

And if you don't believe in yourself, no one else is gonna believe. No one. Perfection is an illusion. No one actually has it all together. Not the fitness influences you follow, not the elite athletes you admire. Not even the most disciplined, structured on top of their game. People you see online. No one, literally nobody.

Because here is the hard truth. I'm a truth speaker. Even the best fall short for those that you perceive as perfect, have actually just mastered vulnerability, letting go. A hear, detaching, detaching, detaching, and are magnetic. They love themselves and focus on internal validation rather than external.

Think about what it actually means to be vulnerable in training. It's trying something new, even though you're not good at it. Signing up for a race even though you don't know how you'll perform, asking for help instead of pretending you have it all figured out. Allowing yourself to be coached, corrected, and guided.

It's about showing up without needing to have everything under control. It's about letting go. Detaching. And that's hard, right? Because we wanna feel capable, strong, and impressive. But the people that grow the most in sport aren't the ones trying to prove something all the time. They're the ones that are willing to be a student, willing to fail, willing to admit when they don't know something.

And that's the difference between ego-based training and growth-based training. One is rooted in I need to prove I'm strong, and the other is true strength. 'cause it takes courage to be open and keep learning and to stay curious. And here's where it gets even deeper, because vulnerability isn't just about training.

It's about how we connect as women to our feminine energy. Feminine energy is fluid, intuitive, and deeply connected to feeling. We're all about the feelings and it thrives in openness, creativity, and trust. You cannot be feminine if you are constantly guarded, forcing control, or afraid to let go, and this is in every facet of life, whether it's with a partner, sport, work, anything.

You'll become masculine and you will go into your masculine when you do not feel safe and when you are not vulnerable. And obviously don't get me wrong, like we all have feminine masculine energy and you know, women don't, aren't just a hundred percent purely feminine, but there are places and times and spaces where you need that masculine energy and a lot of the time you don't.

So let's focus more on the feminine because I feel like as a society we've been pushed to make women into these men, and that's just not who we are. Okay? It's not who we are. Being vulnerable in training means listening to your body instead of forcing into the ground and letting yourself express emotions.

Whether it's excitement, frustration, or tears without shame. A woman in effeminate energy isn't afraid to lean into her emotions, move with her intuition, and embrace fluidity and growth and professional female athletes are so good at this and you can be true. And this is where most of us get stuck.

We've been conditioned to believe that to be good enough, we have to constantly be in control, performing and proving ourselves that softness, vulnerability, and imperfection makes us weak. But true power is being so secure in yourself. You don't need to hide, perform, or force things. You just do it. You are just being it.

Like I said before, perfection is an illusion. Have you ever scrolled through social media and thought, wow, she's killing it. She never struggles. She's naturally good at everything. You know, no, no, no. That's not the reality. That's curated content. That's a highlight reel that's showing the best lifts, angles, best moments, and leaving out the rest.

Even elite athletes, people at the absolute top of the game, they have failed reps, bad races, they feel insecure. The difference, they keep going anyway. 'cause the goal is never to be perfect. The goal is to get better and getting better means being okay with the fact that sometimes you're gonna struggle, fall short or feel like a beginner again.

So how do you let go of perfection? You just need to allow yourself to be average. Sometimes. I know that sounds counterintuitive, but just hear me out. Hear me out. Some days your training will feel effortless. Other days you'll feel slow, weak, and unmotivated, and that's completely normal. It's part of the process I.

You don't need to be a hundred percent every single day to be progressing. Let yourself show up messy, show imp perfection, and show up real. Because guess what? Progress happens in the moments where you show up anyway, not in the moments where you're striving for everything to be perfect. Some days you'll feel like an absolute weapon in the gym or on the track, and other days you'll feel like you're dragging sacks of bricks.

Unless, obviously it's a brick session and you're meant to, you are meant to feel that way, but both versions of you are an athlete and both versions of you are progressing. This small shift then makes it more about tolerating bad days and more about understanding that all days contribute to growth and it fixes the all or nothing mindset that perfectionism breeds.

Find way to let go of being perfect or perfectionism wanting to be perfect is stop apologizing for being human. You don't need to justify taking a rest day. You don't need to feel guilty of having an average session. Don't beat yourself up 'cause you weren't on for that day. Being human isn't a flaw.

It's literally the whole point. That's why we're here 'cause we're human. And honestly, the people who inspire you most are the ones who are real about their struggles, right? They're not the ones that are just pretending everything's perfect all the time, but be that person for yourself. Think about the people who inspire you the most in fitness.

Is it the ones who pretend it's easy or is it the ones who keep going even when it's hard? And your journey could be that for someone else, stop waiting until you're perfect, to be proud of yourself. Stop waiting for you to be perfect, to sign up for that race. Stop waiting for you to be perfect to go on that run.

This shifts your perspective away from perfectionism, more so into the space of self-love and self-leadership. Okay, so those are the points. I hope you took something out of that and we'll bring it full circle. If you've spent years training, working, living with this pressure to prove something to yourself, to others, to the world, everyone, you need to hear this.

Okay? I've already said it, but you are already worthy. You are already enough. You are already strong. Even before you hit your next milestone, even before you check off another goal from the list, you are worthy. And so here's what I want you to take out from today. Check in with yourself. Am I training from love of fear?

Do I want this goal 'cause it excites me? Or 'cause I feel like I need to prove something? This awareness alone is going to shift so much, so, so much. Then reclaim your power by making peace with enough. You don't have to hit that medal, you don't have to hit that time to deserve to feel proud. Your value is not up for debate.

Decide right now, I am already enough. Detach your worth from the outcome. Whether you win, whether you place, whether you just show up, the growth is happening, and it's that growth, not external validation that will actually fulfill you. You are the prize. Remember, you were the prize. And let your journey be yours.

Let go of perfectionism. It's not what social media says it should be. It's not what someone else's timeline is. Run your own race. Trust who you're becoming matters more than what you're achieving. And above all, release the weight of proving 'cause you are never here to prove. You're here to experience, to grow and to love yourself and love the process.

That's when you start winning for real. And we are all done. So if you love this topic as much as I did, I'd love to hear your thoughts. So please go on Instagram now and we can connect or comment below. My Instagram handle is Jade Palmer, and we can continue the conversation. And if you did enjoy today's episode, please leave a quick review.

It would mean the world. I love your love you love you, and it would help more women step into their power. Until the next time, keep training, keep growing, and we're going to heal that need to prove yourself.